Curse Of Ye Graves!

Saturday was an adventure, a lesson. I arrived at Bignor Church with all my equipment; juggling clubs, paraffin, machetes, glass, and my girlfriend Jess. We walked through the main gate of the church, stalls were everywhere, even in between the graves! A few Romans were having a cigarette near the beer tent and wildflowers were everywhere, being a wildflower festival.

Nick was nowhere to be seen so after a bit of detective work one of the organisers informed me that the huge arena in the centre of the festival was entirely for me. Wow.

I set up promptly and scanned my surroundings once more, it was full of mostly adults over the age of 40, nearly everyone was drunk (even this guy dressed in medieval clothes, bowing whilst smoking to people) so it was easy prey!

I started my act with preparing the glass for walking, making sure it made a lot of noise. This gathered a small flock of bloodthirsty children, I then juggled everything foolishly without slowing down and pacing myself. Knowing what kids are like, I bravely asked them what they wanted to see. By now I had gathered a small crowd of festival goers and the evening was turning out well, despite not having my manager or anyone to work with (manager Luke didn't turn up, hence why he isn't manager any more). One of the children was quite awkward, he wanted me to do a whole array of diabolo tricks that I had never even heard of, the diabolo was the failure of the whole night as I was out of practise. The little people and I created a catchphrase "We didn't see that." which came in handy!

The children wanted everything set on fire! Including me. In the end I had exhausted my supply of skills and I found myself juggling broken pieces of glass whilst walking on glass, a skill never practised before. This was when the first accident happened, I looked down on the glass to find the now-familiar colour of blood in small smeared patches. Remaining professional, I calmly diverted attention to something not bleeding and went to my briefcase.

"Do you want to see something dangerous, and a little bit disgusting? Something I said I wasn't gonna do?"

Of course they said yes, this was when I performed The Human Blockhead with a rotating drill, then a spoon and a nail, some people just couldn't watch but you see I needed to perform the trick to see their reaction to each thing. The spoon was the best as it made them laugh, the drill made them sick, and when I had a spoon in my left nostril and a nail in my right and couldn't find the nail as it was stuck - that made them panic with shock and someone heckled "Don't breathe in!" As usual, the kids loved every minute, one even said rather sensibly "Shouldn't you have given us a warning, like don't try this at home?" so I gave them a warning and had a break. Jess fixed my foot as the Romans had a mock fight in the arena.

It was a nice evening, and as backup Mum brought her friend Steve along just before the sun went down, Steve is a professional fire breather with many years of experience, though he was a bit nervous.

I told him I wanted a trick we had practised about a year ago where I would be juggling and he would envelope me in a fireball, yes, it's dangerous.

So when the time came I calmly walked back into the arena and began juggling fire (with only two torches, as my ex-manager has one and still has it) it was going really well, so I took off my shirt as a signal to Steve to start doing his stuff. Steve walked on and started doing what he had always done for many years, across the world in clubs and various events.

"Blow one off my nose." I said to him, balancing a club on my nose ready for his skills. This was when it went wrong. Another accident.The flame was too big and too powerful, my hair caught fire and my shoulders burned, all I could see was fire and most of the people just stood there. Steve instructed me to roll and tried to pat my head out. "The bucket of water!" I shouted as valuable seconds passed by slowly like treacle through an hourglass. Eventually Mum found the bucket of water, near the two fire extinguishers by my burning scalp literally 2 foot away. Cool relief, finally. Everybody started pampering me and asking how I was, I instantly shook them off and shouted "AND YET, I AM STILL ALIVE!" like some daredevil Evel Knievel, the audience of about 400 people all clapped, Steve finished the show for me as I was rushed off to sit under an old farm tap. Luckily two other friends were there, one  is training to be a nurse and she was great, the other kindly gave me a lift home. I spent the next two nights wrapped in greasy Vasolined cling-film, like some lubey crysalis.

So what have I learned? Well, if something goes wrong keep calm and point at something more spectacular.

Meeting Nick (Just wow)



So yesterday my manager/bessie-mate Luke, me, and my girlfriend Jess all went down to Bignor Church. No we didn't go and pray, instead we went and saw Nick Symes, head of the festival. After a brief greeting we were lead to a reasonably large picturesque field behind the church, Nick described what was going to happen on the two nights (Saturday and Sunday) and we then offered a free demo.

Nick then walked off for a long time, trying to gather a crowd.

Two things then happened, Omens probably.



The church across from the hanging site, anyone seen The Wicker Man?



First a huge buzzing swarm of bees passed right in front of us, so close that we all had to hit the grass and lie down flat. It's insane, I know. After a few minutes of WTF they passed and a lady trundled over and asked if it was a swarm of bees, she then said she needed a swarm for her empty hive. This was when she walked off TOWARDS THE DIRECTION OF THE SWARM. 

As if that wasn't unusual enough, we then started practising before the crowd arrived. Luke was juggling a few balls, Jess was just staring at the hills. Meanwhile I picked up a machete and somehow I managed to unsheathe it in such a way that I cut my index finger, a good prelude to a performance. Luke was like 'Well done' and immediately as I acknowledged the small cut it started streaming blood. Great.



Luke acted as medic and plastered the wound so I didn't bloody the equipment, then a long while after Nick arrived.

Many things made me smile, Luke's general stage-banter, everyone standing metres back, and what the crowd said. "You aren't gonna juggle that are ya?" by now I was holding a meat cleaver, machete, and a sickle. "Oh please don't tell me you're gonna walk on those with your bare feet!" Luke was about to walk on the machete-bed.

Overall it was a mediocre performance as we didn't bring much equipment, we then said goodbye to Nick and his helpers and returned to Luke's parking skills. He had left the car on a crossroads, on a 40% sideways slant, on a tiny patch of grass. The same tiny patch of grass where criminals used to get hanged until death.

Ladies and Gentlemen, an update.

Due to the extreme force of the rat trap I bought yesterday, I have decided to make a mouse trap bat instead. Several mousetraps should make up for my blatent cowardice towards possibly having my fingers broken by a huge "Little Nipper" trap.

Another fruitless search for the appropriate nails ended in disappointment, so again I have to say no nailbed yet. Anyone for a goose-chase?

On another note, I emailed Doktor Haze from The Circus Of Horrors and asked for work experience, I have yet to recieve a reply. Very nervous.
Spent hours today searching for possible costumes (how unprofessional not to have a costume, that's what happens if you don't budget time!)

What makes things even worse is that I have 2 followers, TWO! What is wrong with the world? Not even a comment on the page, how disappointing.

Still haven't practised for the Bignor event, need to rehearse jumping off of a machete bed on to a bed of glass whilst screaming for theatrical effect!

The last part of this post can be a question post, any queries can be asked here and I will reply when I can.

Thankyou, invisible audience.  

Rat-trap Bat, Professional Photographer (still no bowling ball)

The time has come for me to make my own danger-club, something completely unique and outrageous. A rat-trap bat constructed from a stair bannister and four loaded traps.
Despite searching everywhere for a bowling ball, I have had no such luck, I may have to steal one.

My dream trick would be; eating glass with two spoons or nails up my nose, walking on glass, juggling a chainsaw, bowling ball with knives stuck in it, and this new contraption of horror - the rat-bat.
Oh and just to up the danger, Luke (my partner in crime) will be breathing fire on me as I do this. MADMADMAD!

Luke happened to find a photographer in a pub somewhere, and probably in the same pub he found another man who would like a booking for a musical event. Pubs are very good for business!

No news on the bed of nails yet. Fail.

Waking up sleepy Bignor

On Sat 2nd and 3rd of July I will be hitting Bignor with a performance full of sharp and firey things.

Sadly, Luke is busy at this date and will not attend for the most of the time.

For more information on the (apparently) popular Bignor Weed and Wildflower festival here is a link:  http://bigweed.bignorchurch.org/?reloaded=true

Meanwhile, I conjured up another dangerous trick; juggling a carrot, either a juggling ball or a fire club, and a meat cleaver. I then take bites of the carrot as I juggle. Only cutting my finger once!

Luke gave some bad news the other day, the busking license was declined for Arundel, so you may just have to see us in Chichester (maybe near that Christian book shop, ha ha!)

Note: To those who saw me eat and breathe fire outside Chichester college on Tuesday, thanks for NOT CLAPPING! Rude lot.

I keep saying I'll put pictures up, anytime soon I promise. Be patient. I'm still awaiting the completion of the nail-bed, rattrap bat, knifed bowling ball, and a few other things like our costumes.

Progress is slow *sigh*

Turn the danger to 11...

Yes, after much thought and Googling, there is a strong possibility that I may juggle chainsaws, correction - a chainsaw. Juggling broken bottles and eating a lightbulb is currently in the works too, along with bigger fire breathing flames and a trick with a sledge hammer and a breeze block.

The much awaited Bed Of Swords is finally complete and pictures will be up soon for all you sadists out there! The Nail Bed is being built this week, after searching tirelessly for exactly the right nails (Polish men don't know much about nails, really.)
I juggle and juggle and yet all I can do is flash 7 balls, but nevermind as I have thought of something completely insane, but all will be revealed...  Pics soon.

Meanwhile enjoy this incredible picture of a fire breather!

No, I'm not the one in the picture.

Most Dangerous Show In Sussex!

Roll up! Roll up!
Ever seen a person unicycle on a mans chest as he is lying on a bed of broken wine bottles? It's all real and has spawned from 6-7 years of practice and people saying "You can't do THAT!" well we can.

I specialise in the sharp and flamey side of things, whereas Luke is near-expert in unicycling and general comedy tomfoolery, he is also very useful in dealing with the more Health And Safety conscious worriers, "It's ok, we've been doing this two weeks."

Upcoming things in the system will be bullwhip cracking, fire eating, possibly glass eating and obviously more poi stunts and combination tricks (where many dangers are combined for your viewing pleasure!)

Stay tuned for more, oh and if you find someone more dangerous and daring than Out Of The Box then message us.